Here at the I.R.S., we know everything about the money you make—but do you? Let’s find out! Take this quiz, created for us by a company that spends millions of dollars to keep us from simply filing your taxes for you.
Did you receive a W-2 from your employer? We know that you did, but we really like to hear you say it.
Did you receive a 1099? If so, this quiz is about to get a lot harder.
What was your marital status as of December 31, 2021? Remember, having a “work spouse” doesn’t count.
Hmm, that’s interesting—you said that you’re married, but you’re not wearing a ring. Did you lose it, or did you sell it? If you sold it, you’ll need to report that income to us.
How can we see that you’re not wearing a ring, you ask? Ha ha, because we’re all-seeing and all-knowing! Now stop asking questions and finish answering ours.
Did you buy a house last year? If you did, please tell us how. We’ve been outbid ten times in the past three months, and we’re very close to giving up.
Did you contribute to any retirement funds? If so, why? The planet is dying—spend your money like it’s the end of days!
Did you pay down any student loans? This won’t change anything, but we wanted to remind you that, on top of everything else, you still have student-loan debt.
Tell us about any medical expenses you incurred last year. We want you to relive all your most recent trauma, then we’ll just recommend that you take the standard deduction regardless.
If you sold a couple hundred dollars of stock last year, exactly how much did you sell? Please round up to the nearest thousandth of a dollar, even though that kind of currency doesn’t physically exist.
If you sold more than ten million dollars of stock last year, you probably have some good ways of not letting anyone find out. We won’t tell if you don’t tell!
Now time to talk about your income. How much money did you make last year? Please include everything: wages, checks from Grandma, any change you found on the sidewalk—everything.
Do you get paid in cash that you don’t report? Don’t worry. You won’t get in trouble—we just want to know exactly how much you’ve been hiding from us, and what part of your house you keep it in.
If you made barely enough to scrape by last year, fair warning: you’re probably going to owe us big time.
If you made more than a hundred million dollars last year, we very likely don’t know about it, because you’re smartly keeping it in an offshore tax haven. Good for you!
If you made a hundred and twenty-one billion dollars last year, feel free to pay us only ten per cent of that, and then tell everyone on Twitter that you’re a big rich hero.
Finally, given all the above information, exactly how much money do you owe us? Before you ask—yes, we could certainly tell you, but we simply don’t want to.
Oh, and don’t forget: if you’ve made one single mistake on this, we’ll make your life a living hell. Good luck!