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Gen Z
Filing Status: Defining who you are by your relationship status is patriarchal and reductive. Leave this blank.
Digital Assets: This includes brunch money that’s sitting in Venmo, any TikTok accounts with more than ten thousand followers, and N.F.T.s, but only if you can explain what they are in plain English in less than sixty seconds.
Dependents: LOLZ.
Income: You know that piece of paper your employer gave you which you immediately recycled? The numbers on it go here. If it’s too late to fish it out of the trash, a salute emoji should do the trick.
Tax and Credits: Social Security and Medicare will be totally gone by the time you’re eligible. But don’t worry—the world will be a flaming ball of gas by then, anyway, so contributing to these funds is optional.
Payments: If you nabbed a shelter dog or purchased a doodle during the pandemic, attach Schedule E.I.C. to register your dog as a “qualifying child.”
Refund or Amount You Owe: Everything is going up, from the price of eggs to the heights from which your friends are death diving. You shouldn’t owe the government any more money. If you do, rework the math (thanks, Common Core!) until you fix it.
Millennial
Filing Status: The federal government is just the latest in a long line of institutions and individuals to remind you that you haven’t yet found a partner. Tell Uncle Sam (and Aunt Martha) to kindly eff off.
Digital Assets: If you bought your first property in 2022, congratulations! It’s almost one-sixth the size of the house that your parents bought when they were twenty-three. Also, it does not count as a digital asset, even though you found it on Zillow.
Standard Deduction: You may be tempted to try to claim yourself as a dependent of your parents, or to claim your cat as your dependent. Your parents may have feelings about the former. To do the latter, see below.
Dependents: If you forgot to give your cat a last name, don’t worry—his last name is the same as yours. His Social Security number is his microchip number plus his “gotcha day.”
Income: If you find that you earned more this year than last year while doing less work, congratulations! You did quiet quitting right.
Tax and Credits: If you unquietly quit your job and switched to contract work—surprise! You now owe self-employment tax. (Your new boss is a jerk.)
Payments: This is where you list the outrageous amount of money you spent to see Taylor Swift. If you’re more of a Beyoncé fan, congratulations! You have better taste and aren’t bankrupt.
Refund or Amount You Owe: If you’re lucky, you’ll get a few hundred dollars back, enough to recoup the cost of half of a Taylor Swift ticket.
Gen X
We get it: you effortlessly straddle the gap between digital natives and “the olds,” and you know how to do everything perfectly. Good for you. Sorry about the whole Social Security thing.
Boomer
Filing Status: Don’t use this section to make a joke about deserving an extra tax credit for every decade of marriage. You’re getting free money just for being married!
Digital Assets: You don’t have any of these. No, sending memes to your financial adviser does not count, and neither does sending the money-tongue emoji to your kids in the family chat.
Dependents: Too many. They’re in your basement, your attic, oozing out of the crown molding in your seven-hundred-thousand-square-foot starter home. You would have kicked them out already, but the youngest still owes you an explanation of N.F.T.s, and the oldest promised to take you to see Taylor Swift if you paid for the tickets.
Income: You could stop working, but work is what gets you out of the house every day. Pat yourself on the back for enforcing the return-to-office policy—everyone loves you for it!
Tax and Credits: Your tax guy already figured this out, and your list of writeoffs is longer than the number of TikTok trends that have whooshed over your head.
Payments: Remember how you helped build this economy? You get credit for that. Thank you for your service.
Refund or Amount You Owe: Thanks to the fancy accounting moves of your tax guy and the fact that you learned math before the introduction of the Common Core, you’re getting a big chunk of change back. Time to buy some N.F.T.s. ♦
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